benefits of being friends with your ex

I mean, to be complete, like, nobody taught me this stuff, I had to figure it out. Theres stages of loss, stages of withdrawal, releasing your addiction to a toxic relationship, Exaholics: Breaking Your Addiction to Your Ex Love,, Why You Cant Stop Thinking About Your Ex. Wheres my person? Is paying that emotional price down the road worth it, if it means you get to stay in contact with your ex for now? Even decades down the road, our attachment bonds can be reawakened through exposure to your former person. All kinds of great stuff, so check that out. In addition to going through this terrible rejection and the pain and everything that went along with it, theres also this awful feeling of like, What is wrong with me for failing the way that I do?, right? Don't panic. If you do need to halt the friendship, Franco recommends saying something like, I know weve tried to build a friendship, but I just think its not necessarily working out for me. Then allow yourself time to grieve. For example, they may feel hurt or betrayed by something you did during the relationship and want to work through those feelings. Your ex may be seeking validation and affirmation that they are still desirable and wanted. This is especially true if you were the one who ended the relationship, and released some of your attachment to your ex beforehand (if you had it at all). Earnshaw recommends clearly stating to your ex, I know that Ive hurt you or I know Im still resentful, can we sit down and talk about this? and directly acknowledging that I need to hear from you that you understand how [your actions] impacted me.. Why is it so hard to let go, even when you know you should? Avoid sex with your ex even in normal circumstances, sex is rarely casual, and that is doubly true when youre hooking up with someone you used to have a deeper relationship with. Its important to consider your own feelings and boundaries and make a decision that is in line with your own needs and desires. They need boundaries. Should You Be Friends With Your Partner's Exes? Some shred of compassion, gratitude, appreciation, to hold on to and, also, quite frankly, to let go of some other stuff. You might need to unfollow your ex on social media, stop listening to music that triggers certain feelings, or avoid favorite spots you frequented together. Its like every part of your being wants to reconnect in order to feel better again. But the other piece of this is that it can be really, really helpful to have conversations with your ex about creating a different kind of relationship together. And while Ive often been asked by straight and queer friends alike about why Id want to keep in touch with my former partners, I struggle to understand why they wouldnt. Our brains just dont work that way. I need this. Its important that we have several ways we make money, just like its important for you to have a diversified retirement portfolio to weather the ups and downs of the stock market. Wheres my person? They may be using the physical relationship as a way of getting back at you for something you did or said. Establishing a friendship with an ex can trigger friends and family to voice alarm. Forgiveness for your acts, maybe even forgiveness for yourself. Lets see, what are some other of my favorites? On the other hand, you may worry that it will only lead to more hurt feelings and complications in the future. Then, sometimes on the other side of it, you can legitimately reconnect on a different level in a different way. Our relationship today, though, isnt without work. Its just so cool to be a part of. Tickle Me Kaczynski: How the Inventor of the Ultimate Elmo Toy Became a Unabomber Suspect, Real Italians Put Hot Dogs and French Fries on Their Pizza, The Other Drug War: Inside the World of Counterfeit Viagra, The $65 Million Art Heist That Put Oceans Eleven to Shame. Your ex may be seeking revenge or trying to hurt you by suggesting a friends-with-benefits arrangement. We dont spam! That is not a judgment or a statement of anything about you. Make sure that youre comfortable with your decision and that it aligns with your personal values. An individual therapist can help you get there. 1. Thats why, even though advertising is still our biggest source of revenue, we also seek grants and reader support. Learn how to achieve anamicable divorce. You can scroll back through this podcast feed. They may feel a bit threatened, and they may have some very valid concerns about your true availability. Like, again, going back to that mythology, well, were mature. An ex reaching out just to say hi is the beginning of so many stories about marriage-destroying Facebook affairs. I just wrote the book.. I cant tell you how many times I have had a front row seat to people getting into affairs many years later with an old flame that they reconnected with on social media, or theyre still friends with, right? Not all relationships should be repaired. I understand its not common for somebody to stay friends with their ex. Your ex may be trying to hold onto the past and the memories you shared together. I probably should go pick up my toothbrush from their house and start a conversation. They beginyour conscious brain can begin rationalizing all the reasons why this makes sense and can be kind of twisting itself into pretzels to bargain, right? They have been on the off-ramp for a while. Its really like, if I do have a specialty, I mean, I do a lot of couples counseling and therapy and all the things, but I love working with people around this issue in particular. We wanted to stay close, but neither of us could handle the reminder of our failures. Instead, come to terms with letting the shape of them change but holding onto their value. Because if you dont, it can be a waterslide. There can be a lot of grief underneath that. Anyway, check that out. Its possible to have a platonic friendship with someone you used to date. If youre missing them or hurting and seek the comfort of being loved, its probably better to find that in safer places, even if those places arent as immediately gratifying. It turned into a book, Exaholics: Breaking Your Addiction to an Ex Love, but also really turned into a passion of mine. It is not just not helpful and a waste of time and a waste of your money. The issue here is that if you had been able to resolve conflict together well as a couple, you would probably not have gotten divorced in the first place in most circumstances. Eventually, we moved to L.A. together, a decision that ultimately led to the circumstances in which our romance spectacularly self-destructed. Work through all those feelings. Sometimes its really necessary. Maybe youre still having sex sometimes. Dont leave the house. If youve listened to this podcast before, you have probably heard me mention the various things that I do, right? Cognitively, you got clarity that you didnt want to do this anymore, and you might feel guilty about that. Those who wanted to stay friends because of unresolved romantic desires experienced a range of negative outcomes such as feeling heartbroken, worse mental health, more depression, greater tension. It is so far down underneath that that language cant touch it. That, of course, isnt always possible and despite our best intentions, sometimes hurt feelings get the best of us and bonds with people we care about explode into a toxic mess. Its all highly individualized, and a level of intimacy that can work with some exes just isnt sustainable or wise with others. Do you have a question on money and work; friends, family, and community; or personal growth and health? First, being friends with an ex can keep you attached for much longer than you need to be after the relationship ends. If you are wanting to maintain an attachment and its like, Well, we can be friends, got to get real honest about that. And that may or may not ever happen for you, or for your ex. I couldve said, I need a change of scenery, or Im going to go buy an official, . But more often than not, I simply told the truth: Im going to spend time with my ex-girlfriend.. But especially at the time when I was younger, that was not discussed at all in our culture. Both their marriages, their relationships, but also, like, personal growth. Attachment bonds can be unilateral, meaning that your ex may still be attached to YOU, even when youve moved forward. It is actually not true. 4. And for me, it was a wonderful form of closure to be able to reach out and experience the same connection I once shared with people from the past, transformed into a present-day friendship. Its important to communicate openly and make sure both parties are comfortable with the situation. By choosing I Accept, you consent to our use of cookies and other tracking technologies. Avoid awkwardness If you're living in the same town, or still sharing the same social circle, the odds are that a run-in is going to happen in a few months or years down the road. Here are a few: If theres anything that might keep you from repeating the same relationship mistakes over and over, it could be the insight that only an ex can provide. When youre going through a breakup, its totally normal to not be able to stop thinking about your ex. But, being able to kind of dig into that other stuff in a safe place, process it, do the work will help you cultivate that true neutrality. If youre comfortable with the idea and have no emotional attachment, it may be a way to have physical intimacy without the complications of a relationship. And even in situations where being friends with your ex is indeed whats best for all involved, its in your best interest to navigate this new friendship with clear eyes and a heaping dose of intention. There shouldnt be any feelings of threat. Stay Tuned to get inspired. Spoiler alert: It went surprisingly well. Lets not do scorched earth, unless you absolutely have to. In order to get to this space, it is well worth your time to invest in working through this stuff. What did I do? It sneaks up on you, people. It is not my website. The threat of divorce can actually be a turning point for a marriage if you understand how to use it as an opportunity to foster healing. Youre not alone. Im the founder and clinical director of Growing Self Counseling & Coaching. Learnhow to stop thinking about someoneso you can move on. If thats the case but you still value the connection, the best thing you can do is to de-escalate and take space. Those exact same parts of your brain are the parts of your brain that get stimulated by romantic love, which uses the same receptors and neurotransmitters that cocaine likes to flare up inside people. Now, it may also be true that, well, on the other side of this, like once that healing has thoroughly been achieved on both sides. How to (actually) stay friends with an ex Leave them alone, and help them achieve clarity around, This is over. How often do you see your friends in person: Weekly? For somebody to have the wisdom to say, Im not feeling it. Theyre doing the right thing. The more you would address them as your ex, the more you would remember your past. First, advertising dollars go up and down with the economy. Why am I feeling this way? We actually have a great friendship, and its something I feel good about.. But hopefully, your friendship will bloom. Why was that so hard? Youre like, Why am I doing this? I have worked with people, and I mean, its been a decade or more that theyre still hurting about this past relationship. If the versions of friendship you are both envisioning do not line up, it might mean having a negotiation talk, or it might just mean a friendship cant work between the two of you at that moment. A sign of a healthy friendship is that you are no longer mourning the romantic relationship, says Franco. It is not uncommon if people are divorced or divorcing for one of them to have come to the conclusion over the course of many years that their ex is actually the worst human being that has ever lived. Oops. Because there areyou cant think your way through it. Alternatively, they may not be ready to let go of the relationship entirely and may be using the FWB arrangement as a way to keep you in their life. Anyway, that is why we are here today. Sometimes the hardest thing about having a relationship end is a lack of closure. Its like methadone, basically. So, get really honest with yourself about why you want a friendship with your ex. That can be very difficult. All of that said, there are some scenarios where trying to have a friendly or at least civil relationship with your ex is essential. The Benefits of Staying Friends With an Ex Youre like, No!. Theres a lot here, and if nothing else, if youve gotten nothing else from this conversation today, I hope I have imparted some degree of understanding of the very real complexity involved with maintaining a friendship with an ex. Children need to know that its OK to love and have a relationship with both parents, and you being friends with your ex is the best way to let your children know that its OK, Mitchell explains. Your ex may be afraid of commitment and may not want to enter into a full-fledged relationship. Then, really, almost like through a coaching process, figure out, What are the behaviors that I need to do in order to create that? Theres no reason why a good friend cant at least still do the former. Being friends with your ex gives you the chance to really talk about why you broke up. Heal your heart in our positive, affirmingonline breakup and divorce support group,led by an experienced divorce and breakup recovery counselor. We think of hate as being the opposite of love, right? Before transitioning into a friendship, its important to take some time, says Zoe Shaw, a psychotherapist and the host of the Stronger in the Difficult Places podcast. Anyway, theres that. In fact, its essential to prioritize your ex-turned-bestie if you really care about that bond. But I'm here to answer the tough questions and help you get all the clarity you need. 8 reasons it's a great idea to befriend your ex That is what most people do, is just kind of maintain an attachment without reflecting on it too much. I think its more in the consciousness of psychologists and therapists now than it was 10 or 20 years ago. So, heroin, cocaine, those kinds of things. Don't shut out close friends. Daily? If you do decide to be friends with your ex, no matter the reasons, tread carefully. Make your new partner your priority, and earn their trust by showing them that there is no competition. Maybe you realized you are incompatible as partners but love discussing politics with each other. This is important to know because it can be exceptionally hard to sort through whether or not your desire to maintain a friendship with someone is due to reasons that are actually healthy, and that make sense for you and that would be a positive thing, or are you essentially in the grips of something that is very analogous to, like, a withdrawal process from a substance? Gain access to life-changing psychological insights and exclusive guide to friends with benefits relationship. And I want you to be able to trust me on that.. If youre able to move through your tough post-breakup feelings and preserve even a shred of friendship with an ex, you might have a fighting chance of maintaining a mutual friend group without forcing friends to pick sides. If your partner is attentive to your needs and respects any boundaries you agree upon, great. Youre not bitter, youre not resentful. Instead, she says, you truly want whats best for one another. Your complete guide to Friends with benefits with an Ex You dont want anything bad for them. BUT! [1] And if at any time during the process you find yourself falling into old emotions or conflicts, you can always change your mind, says Elizabeth Earnshaw, a marriage and family therapist and the author of I Want This to Work: An Inclusive Guide to Navigating the Most Difficult Relationship Issues We Face in the Modern Age. If it is a more casual situation, and somebody that you just work with or see around where it would be weird to, like, have an official sit down and get a mediator to figure out like, Okay, how do we be friends? It can be helpful to get very just clear for yourself around, What would me being friendly, appropriately friendly with this person, actually look like in a work context? There are some major drawbacks to being friends with an ex that I want you to be fully aware of before you proceed. Right? We are not sleeping together. Its like, Why would I possibly want to be friends with somebody like that? Right? Before you broke up with your now ex, there was probably some amount of safety and closeness that was available as a result of your bond. Befriending an ex when you have children together isnt just about minimizing weirdness its about making the entire experience more beneficial for your kids. Sometimes this is possible and healthy and good. Something went wrong. The opposite of love is not hatred. Kind of mentally wrap their minds around that. Its important to be realistic and honest with yourself about what you want and what youre willing to risk. If we decide to stay friends with our ex, it may be awkward for a bit, and it may be appealing to revert back to flirting and potentially even sex. If you are connecting with an ex, and you notice old feelings roaring back to life, that is a danger signal you dont want to ignore. You're accepting them as your friend and need not address them as your ex. Then, of course, the book, Exaholics: Breaking Your Addiction to an Ex Love. For example, they might see being friends with benefits as a way to experience pleasure without the pain of commitment. newsletter. I was still very young. Being friends with your ex for the wrong reasons can keep you bonded to them for years, and can prevent you from moving on with your life and your other relationships. Like, we just dont work like that. The desire to stay friends with your ex comes from our human instinct to bond with each other. Theres an ability to see the other person in a very honest but loving and empathetic light.. Hope life is treating you well., More: 7 Reasons breaking up can be the best thing for you. Heterosexual people often conflate all different types of love at once, platonic, romantic, sexual, says Marisa G. Franco, professor, speaker, and author of Platonic: How the Science of Attachment Can Help You Makeand KeepFriends, so that you cant cuddle with a friend without it seeming like its sexual., But the queer community is smaller. In her award-winningExaholics book,Dr. Lisa explains why, and illuminates the path forward towards emotional liberation, growth, and recovery. Can You Use Insurance For Couples Counseling? Just know that. But anyway, so much for you on this subject. It is, honestly, the absence of any feeling at all, right? If youre not interested and still have feelings for your ex, its important to be honest and explain that being friends with benefits is not something youre comfortable with. Any amount helps. How to Keep Mercury Retrograde From Messing With Your Relationship, 6 Positions That Make Anal Sex Easier & Less Intimidating ForBeginners, A No B.S Guide to What to Look For When Giving Yourself a BreastExam, 12 Surprising Safe Words That Real PeopleUse, 7 Best Places for Pelvic Floor Therapy Online That You Can Do From the Comfort ofHome. Others may view it as a morally ambiguous situation that goes against their personal values. Ill be sure to link to it in the post for this podcast. Were going to set that aside. Best Pregnancy-Safe Deodorants to Use Throughout All ThreeTrimesters. Connect with us, and let us know your hopes and goals. You will have to communicate with your ex, see them occasionally, and you will have to work with them to give your children what they need. For example, they may want to avoid the emotional work of a relationship, but still want to experience physical pleasure. If youre not over your ex or have lingering feelings, being friends with benefits can make it harder for you to move on and heal. Some people may see being friends with benefits as a way to explore their sexuality and have fun without the commitment of a relationship. 20 Reasons why your ex wants to be friends with benefits, 50 Subtle signs your fwb likes you deeply, What to text your friend with benefits? Also read: 50 Signs your fwb doesnt like you. Also, I mean, we need to acknowledge the fact that it is more difficult, I think, to actually not be in contact with somebody than it used to be. Its not messy, its not complicated, its just nothing. If you have questions about our services or would like support in connecting with one of our experts, were here for you by phone, email or chat. Yates explains, It also suggests that the two of you might be much better off as friends instead of romantic partners if platonic friendship is what is 100 percent wanted from both sides. It can be harmful to yourself and your ex. If I could leave you with one piece of advice, it would be to not stumble forward into a friendship with your ex without being deliberate about what youre doing and why, how youre going to do it, and what a positive, healthy outcome would look like. It is all for youlots of good stuff. It is possible to be emotionally in tune with someone or platonically drawn to them, even if the romance dwindled. Did you apologize? I think that there has been more done since. But that isnt what you have to do because of what seems to be expected [by society]., How you feel about friendship with an ex can depend on the culture of the community you surround yourself with. If thats the case but you still value the connection, the best thing you can do is to de-escalate and take space. So, in these situations, what I have then been left with is one person, usually sitting on my couch who is often devastatedthey didnt want the relationship to end. Our authentic relationship experts know how to help you learn, grow, and move forward into a bright new chapter. In many cases, its important to remember that you left the relationship for a reason, and those reasons may be toxic. Like, theyre interpreting your efforts to reach out and and maintain contact probably as your interest in still having a relationship with them, which it is. Its called amicable divorce. Your ex may be feeling insecure and unsure about themselves. If it has come to a point where either party thinks the other is the worst person in the world, work with a competent therapist to resolve the issues between you and your ex. A lot of people have their triggers and insecurities, and trying to befriend your ex can certainly trigger those. Instead of asking a binary question about if you can still be friends, ask your new partner what situations and contexts would make them feel secure. And while Ive often been asked by straight and queer friends alike about why Id want to keep in touch with my former partners, I struggle to understand why they wouldnt. Even when an ex is not the mother or father of your kids, the same rule applies: The example you set for your children on how to handle a breakup or divorce is going to teach them how to handle their own inevitable breakups (and possible divorces) in the future. Maybe you've decided you and a former partner can remain friends. They need clarity. Menopause Supplements Are Suddenly Everywhere, But Do They ActuallyWork? That will allow you to then begin to rebuild positive aspects of your relationship with this person because theyre there. Will you discuss each others love lives at all? Were you fair? We believe thats an important part of building a more equal society. Every time someone asked why I was going, I couldve come up with any number of excuses. What would you like that to look like for yourselves, and for each other, and for your children? Coming in it with different sets of goals. Can You Be Friends With Your Ex? Every couple months? Again, you can learn more about Lord Huron on their website, lordhuron.com. It can be hard to work through all this and try to sort through what is good for you and whats, also, you sort of playing games with yourself intellectually in order to maintain this attachment bond. In the short term, maintaining a friendship can bring you some temporary relief from heartbreak, by helping you avoid the pain of loss and withdrawal.
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