girlfriend trying to change megirlfriend trying to change me

You're absolutely right that Bruce is causing a similarly negative experience for OP, and that the priority is getting Bruce to stop, and not letting it turn into a debate. If they are, they are engineering an embarrassment, and probably the destruction of your platonic friendship with Mary, and you hope they will stop because it is unfair of them to rob you of that, and cause Mary that embarrassment. "My Girlfriend Wants to Change My Appearance" What to Do? If this is your first visit to SoSuave, I would advise you to START HERE. I think Bruce and Alice are trying to set us up, I told Bruce that I don't want to be in a relationship but I guess he didn't trust me, however I don't mind if we hang as friends. A lack of safety in the relationship. The good news is that with open and honest communication, there's hope for your situation. Talk to Mary first and find out what she thinks about the situation, Talk to both Bruce an Alice, with or without Mary in attendance, Stay firm in your own opinion, it's your life after all, but don't interpret this as an attack on your lifestyle. If it happens with Mary and I, it happens, on its own. You keep coming here and asking the same question and getting the same answer over and over again since you started this relationship. How to convince people I don't want to attend an event? Site design / logo 2023 Stack Exchange Inc; user contributions licensed under CC BY-SA. @kingW3 : The answer is now less objectionable; I suspect we still have very different ideas on personal autonomy. If for some time you're not understood and not respected then you don't have a real friend. Try to keep your body language strong: don't slouch or shrug, and meet their eyes even when they try to insist they're right. This might or might not work depending on your arguments (or your friends stubbornness) so to seal the deal tell him. But news flash, there aren't many of us out there who want to dress you like a One . Brazil: Kidnapper drags suitcase holding girl to be his 'sex slave And you will learn everything you need to know to become a huge success with women. Maybe let her know that the things she wants you to do are things you already know you need to change? When do you suppose you'll actually realize that it isn't working and actually leave? @mtraceur this case is different, because OP wants to STOP Bruce peeing on the spot where OP is standing to stay with your example. If you do not want to change your decision, do not go into this. Do not forget to mention that you tried to stop it and that it is uncomfortable. Perhaps an aunt has promised a ski trip as long as Bruce and Alice don't go alone. Yes. Then explain your views on having a relationship and that you are not into getting to it in this time of your life. is another signal to convey the importance of a message, specially when combined with rhythm in speech and head movement. Girlfriend trying to change me. what would you guys do in this What OP wants is Bruce stopping to try to set him up with a relationship, not for Bruce to find a more suitable person to set them up with. Good work, @Katie! This isn't definitive, but it might give you a direction to follow up on. Avoid angular points while scaling radius. He is in constant contact with her and Alice, but I am in limited contact. My son . ", This isn't the first time things that "aren't over" are very over. So please stop it. Involuntarily smiling in conflict is often automated behavior to placate the other person. Acting aggressively would most probably reduce the respect for your boundaries. They'll just see them as excuses and try to dismiss them, which will only hurt you and make them feel more justified in trying to set you up. But most importantly, you should know better your friend's sense of humor so he must be certain that you are definitively making fun of it and that "you and Mary" is not something that you take seriously. He asked me how I was doing in school (he knows full well I'm at the top of my class), and when I mention how well I'm doing, he responds 'oh that's great, did you know Mary is at the top of her class?'. If that changes, you'll be the first to know. This way you can't loose anything. Dear Amy: I have a mostly pleasant relationship with a lovely woman, age 48. It can create something more interesting to talk about: My wife and I had very different jobs, and honestly after work I did not want to talk about my work with somebody doing the same job as me; that's just more work! Mary is not the problem here, Bruce is. Answers here need to support themselves with explanations for why they will work. She's scared to death she's going to loose you & get her tender heart stomped on. They are pushing you into it, because "couples want couples", but they surely want your happiness/friendship more, so if it is idea of both (or Alice's) - you will have to convince Alice and not only Bruce. Does every Banach space admit a continuous (not necessarily equivalent) strictly convex norm? Remember, nobody's perfect, and you also probably have things that your . Talking to both of them at once may force them to take your feelings more seriously. She wants reassurance that the relationship is stable and you aren't about to vanish. Asking my friend out even though I have a girlfriend. Maybe you can pinpoint that you don't feel the same as he was before he had a relationship and that he shouldn't fear that you're unhappy with your current situation while also expressing how happy you are that his life changed this way. But eventually, this can snowball until you rarely see your friends and family, and never without your girlfriend. Here's Why You Shouldn't Try to Change Your Partner Best way to talk about my doubts with my girlfriend. We've been married 30 years, and what we have in common is we both like the same entertainments, at least an 80% overlap. I would encourage providing more depth to that, for example "it seems like you're pressuring me based on what you'd want if you were me, and I feel like what I have stated I want is being ignored here". The OP might get into a more awkward and uncomfortable position for no reason by telling Mary about this. They eventually moved to a suburb quite a bit further away and we lost that just because we couldn't get together easily. I guess specifically, your advice is good, just more absolute than I'm inclined to give: OP knows their Bruce best, and exactly which reasons for it he's already explained vs. not, so I would advise OP to consider if Bruce is the kind of person who would be more likely to comply if they genuinely understand the reasons, and if they're likely to actually do the mental work to really "get it", and if he feels confident Bruce and he can keep it from turning it into a debate? I also have reason to believe Alice is doing the same thing to Mary as Bruce is doing to me, so it should be interesting to watch the weekend play out. Relationships are an intensely personal decision - and this is your decision, not his. You fear for your friendship with Bruce. We don't know how Mary has been handling Bruce or Alice. So the next time you meet up with them, watch for signals between Alice and Mary -- who is the instigator? This is a nonverbal signal for him to respond. Family - Relationship Health: My girlfriend is trying to change me. I've edited my answer. Frequent apologizing, even when you believe you did nothing wrong. This, I think, hits to the crux of the matter. see edit below. All rights reserved. If you can show you're confident in your decision, it will back up your words. But Bruce insisting I would be a good match for Mary is unsettling, as he doesn't understand when to stop. It's making me uncomfortable, and I'd hate to unconsciously spend less time with you guys because I'm uncomfortable. How Much Should You Try to Change Your Spouse or Partner? By telling her directly that you have no romantic interest in her, you will either let her off the hook, or she will be able to tell Alice that you have talked and agreed to remain just friends. The OP should not bother Mary in this case. 13 Signs Of A Controlling Girlfriend And How To Address It What's misguided is the idea that you can push your husband or wife to change in the direction you have chosen for him or her. while not destroying my friendship with Bruce. Irritating habits, interests, and behaviors of your partner can ultimately cause friction. A quick google search brought up Nonverbal Communication in Human Interaction by Mark L. Knapp et al. My best advice would be to break-up and move on. If you are an ordinary guy, it is not for you. 7 Signs That You'd Be Better Off Ending a Relationship But that's life. But talking about the social or political aspects of work, which she understood, was often more beneficial. She asked me if I ever worried my time would 'run out'. No accusation, no pleading in your tone. You are beginning to be conditioned to the idea of spending time with your friend with the negative feelings of being pushed into a relationship you don't want. If she truly loved you she would keep trying to change you and blatantly just constantly. what would you guys do in this situation? Do Not Sell or Share My Personal Information. Please keep it in mind! Mismatching verbal and nonverbal messages might weaken the overall impact of your communication. How do I get Bruce to stop pushing me to enter a relationship with And maybe some more actions in this direction. Anonymous (30-35) so, I have a girlfriend that is trying to change my style pretty much. Your friends want what's best for you, but think they know what that is better than you do. I think what you need to find out is what are the consequences of saying no. Also, OP can eventually become interested in Mary at some point in the future, so I'd stick with approaches where OP should talk to Alice/Bruce instead. started subconsciously bullying you about your imaginated relationship with Mary (I'm making such reasoning because you politely asked him to stop but he didn't). It will be the most efficient use of your time. Have a girlfriend of 8 months last Wednesday I went out of the blue to see her we started to kiss and cuddle when I asked if I could lock the door. Maine becomes first state to decriminalize selling sex I would bet on mutual understanding. Gov. Dealing with a friend trying to get me a girlfriend TL;DR: Bruce is pushing for me to enter a relationship with Mary, and I like Mary, but don't want any relationship right now, and I want him to back off. It's really important that you're sure in your decision, try to avoid giving him room for him to convince you. However, as to 'talk to Alice', it has become very evident to me that she is one of the major driving factors behind this, so I know her opinion on it. If you guys are into tacit conversation, you might make it into a daily routine where he pretends to present his case and you pretend to decline in a quick exchange of gestures. A serious sense of self-doubt. If Mary is interested in you, tell her that you're not looking for a relationship right now (again, without citing any reasons other than it's your choice to make). You've made your point. Your job is to cut off any negotiating room. If it doesnt come by him, ask him You want a yes here, either verbally or nonverbally, or both. You must log in or register to reply here. She even videotaped me most recently and sent it to people over social media. Talk in private, talk calmly, look him in the eyes, and do not smile. | SoSuave Discussion Forum Hello Friend, If this is your first visit to SoSuave, I would advise you to START HERE. He [Bruce] never explicitly told me [why he is pushing me into the relationship], despite the fact that I explicitly asked. He could tell her that Bruce is trying to set them up and tells Mary that he doesn't plan on acting on this and if she is being harrassed by Alice. Moreover, OP says he already talked to Bruce and he didnt stop. Have you got an idea why is he doing it? Sometimes, that means letting go; even where friends are concerned. Bruce needs to understand that it's not just your and Mary's friendship at stake here, but yours and his. Thanks for contributing an answer to Interpersonal Skills Stack Exchange! @kingW3 Your answer might be better received and more helpful if you start with the pragmatic aspects you currently have in the second half of your answer, and maybe elaborate more in-depth about what causes you to perceive certain disagreements as override-able and others as certain and definitive. I have learned four programming languages, LaTeX, circuit design, and robotics on top of completing a BSc and MSc in chemistry and I'd say it's simply because I have devoted 100% of my time to myself. Support your words with rhythmically nodding where you want him to agree, and keep looking in his eyes when you stop (do not smile). When you disrespect your spouse, you break down their self-esteem, hurt their feelings, and demean their sense of self. Tell us about it. Meta's Threads Is Here. What You Need to Know and How to Use It My wife and daughter like some I don't, I like barbecue and they don't: But that's what friends are for, we don't have to be all things to each other. Okayshe sounds young, (I'm guessing late teens???) Dealing with a friend trying to get me a girlfriend, http://journals.sagepub.com/doi/abs/10.1177/0956797612475095, Starting the Prompt Design Site: A New Home in our Stack Exchange Neighborhood. (Even if I wanted a relationship I wouldn't go along because she appears to be on a pursuit of making life go her way and life presented her a different picture of romance where a girl has to act, in that case). I am who I am. The best way to handle such a situation is to make some distance away from it in your mind. Meanwhile, Volodymyr Zelenskyy has . If you tell a friend that you do not like his behavior X and ask him to stop doing X in a calm way, as suggested above, and by doing so the friendship is "destroyed", Id argue that there was no friendship to begin with. Me: I am not interested in a relationship currently, for reasons not pertaining to the question, not in a relationship, Bruce: An excellent long-term friend, very relationship oriented, in a relationship with Alice, Alice: A good friend, in a relationship with Bruce, excellent friends with Mary, Mary: A good friend, very alike me, excellent friends with Alice and Bruce, not in a relationship. This insistence in meddling with your love life doesn't seem to be coming from a desire to irritate you or change who you are, but to improve your life in a way that has improved both Bruce and Alice's life. A controlling partner may demand to see your recent chat history, or . My advice would be to talk about this with both Bruce and Alice at the same time. Which is what is going to happen if they are putting the same pressure on Mary to date you. if Bruce is "source of idea about relationship with Mary" - Alice could tell him to stop. Interesting answer, but I believe you misinterpreted how I responded to you. @yo' He never explicitly told me, despite the fact that I explicitly asked. And exactly this shows that there. This can lead to understanding what is it that he thinks he is offering with his proposition. He was rumored to have had . Don't see it! How to clarify relationship status with friend you haven't talked to in 2 years? 8. What does that mean? if Alice is "source of idea about relationship with Mary" - she will stop pushing Bruce into it. Also Alice should be more emphatic (and less dominant). We like the same kind of comedy, the same TV shows, we both like live plays and amateur theatre, similar music, mostly the same restaurants. This is very different from acting aggressively, because you don't go against the other person, but rather express your request that your boundaries be respected. Florida couple charged in death of baby left in hot car overnight after If he's not able able to do that, it's his problem. It sucked to lose that. They may disagree and try to persuade you, but don't smile, look them in the eye, and don't give in. I would be reading a book, and he made a comment that Mary would love it. If Bruce said "We were talking," what he means is that he was tasked to get you to agree. Just shared that so you understand that this is an actual thing - single friends, while great, have different experiences and have different interests and habits than established couples will. The goal here is to assert your position. TL;DR Handle it the same way as to handle bullying. Now, instead peeing back, I suggest a clear and assertive stand. You will better off without people that want to take charge of your life. No one? Also, the OP is asking how to make Bruce stop a behavior. Well, situations are where we get to know people better. Ask what he needs to have happen in order for him to respect your boundary? If you know specific literature, please feel free to comment. Yes, he is your friend. I have never had a problem finding a sexual encounter or a relationship however I have simply never been interested in relationships. One of our biggest fights that we've had in the past, more than once, is about how she wants me to change. Clearly you need to leave her and this relationship. If you're not ready then you're not ready. Design a Real FIR with arbitrary Phase Response. I've been in relationships where I was expected to make changes. If you try to talk about something Bruce is interested in, who intervenes? I thought I told you that if I became interested in her, I'd tell you? Connect and share knowledge within a single location that is structured and easy to search. It looks like Bruce is not doing it by purpose but technically he Hi Jan! I'm sometimes like Bruce to my best friend and I'll tell you my motivation and what my friend uses to tell me no. - Dating Question It comes after Mr Biden's decision to send cluster bombs to Kyiv. Please stop. It was great. QGIS does not load Luxembourg TIF/TFW file, A sci-fi prison break movie where multiple people die while trying to break out. Go on to say that you just aren't interested in a relationship. You as a speaker may seem "not really meaning what you say". Stop peeing at me because I dont like that is reason enough, dont you think? Just start joking and laughing about it, turn it into absurd etc For instance, tell Bruce that both of you are already engaged but are still arguing which religious education teacher -from yous or her class will handle your wedding or that you and Mary have plans to set up a family and raise heard of 3897 cats. However the approach does. and she's feeling that she's falling in love. which contains most probably basic and contemporary theories and research on nonverbal communication. If she's just being pressured by Alice and is also not interested in pursuing a relationship, you'll know it's just a happy couple trying to breed more happy couples. You have to do whats right for you. I come from a background of social skills training, but do not know any material specific to the US (though there should be lots of solid material, as US research in social psychology is famous in the field). I've been set up by well-meaning friends before too (always in a relationship themselves). And that doesn't say anything one way or another about whether or how much I like Mary, but it's gotta be my choice and my interest. This is speculation, but judging by Alice's mindset, she probably believes that Mary's life would improve in a relationship, and I am the most viable candidate in her eyes. I understand I have faults and I work to change those but she doesn't hound me all the time about it. You Try To Dress Them Oh, I know, don't get mad at me. It's like a weird bonding activity, or a competition to see who can convince their friend to start a relationship first. Personal growth is fantastic. Hi, it's my first post so this isn't a throwaway I (21m) love my girlfriend (19f) to bits and we get along so well but sometimes there's just issues that have been starting to bother me. Gotta be joking here. I hope you can respect that. Tell him why you don't want to be in a relationship with Mary (or in general), try to explain how being in a relationship won't be beneficial to you, as a bonus mentioning something that your friend and his girlfriend do that you feel uncomfortable doing (just to point to him out that you and him are different). I very clearly explained to her that I am not worried about that (men don't really have that strong a biological clock) and politely but sternly told her that her views on what's 'normal' are not representative of everyone's views on what's 'normal'. Other friends make fun of me for not wanting a relationship, and interpreting every time I talk to a woman as flirting just to give me a hard time. It only takes a minute to sign up. It is not for you. 5 Signs You're Dating Someone Who Is Trying To Change You by Zara Barrie Aug. 10, 2016 Maja Topagi Nothing takes a hit at your self-esteem like dating a person who doesn't accept and. I don't run into Mary every day, so I'm afraid he will attempt to 'set us up' without my knowledge. Girlfriend feels she distracts me with her texts, any good way to prove otherwise? Will just the increase in height of water column increase pressure or does mass play any role in it? I calmly explained that I was not currently looking for a relationship, but he did not want to accept this. How to get roommate to be respectful, when communication has no effect? Hey Bruce, when you tell me to do X, I feel as if you expected me to start dating Mary. She complains that I say I am going to do things and don't follow through; and that I am lazy. You shouldn't offer any reasons why you don't want to be in a relationship. This is a sort-of yellow flag for a relationship between friends. 2023 MH Sub I, LLC dba Internet Brands. The neuroscientist says "Baby approved!" I Shouldn't Have to Accept Being in Deepfake Porn - The Atlantic She's telling you that she doesn't like "who you are", this has been an on going problem for you two and obviously you are never going to change to fit her needs so I'd say it's about time to realize this relationship is not going to last.