By subscribing to this BDG newsletter, you agree to our. That will require more self-love on my part. Your friend is already a grown-up and can make own priorities. Bottom line, your friends word at this point means very little to you and your friend group and its about time your friend realized it. I feel valued as a person but not as a friend if that makes sense. It seems because of these realities, that if one stops chasing after friends, there would be next to no one left , as a huge percentage of people that dont initiate probably wouldnt start once you stop. As they imagine sitting across from you in a bar, or strolling around a museum, the idea of staying home can come as a huge relief. And, of course, sometimes life just takes over. Here's a confusing, discouraging scenario that can happen when you're trying to make new friends: You meet someone at an event like a party or meet up; You hit it off and spend a good chunk of time chatting with them; You exchange contact information / add each other on social media, and talk about hanging out again sometime soon; Nothing comes of it after that. In the meantime you may have to just step back for your own peace of mind. Just hold on loosely, But dont let go The hard bit is Ive witnessed that she can be amazingly engaging (until that persons usefulness has expired, it appears), which I imagine can leave someone who cares about her wondering why not be that engaging with me?. This is great advice and I needed the reassurance. The 7 Reasons People Don't Follow Through and What To DO About It I think we underestimate the value of human contact and interaction. In this case you will be able enjoy the planned event with other friends of yours! Here's a confusing, discouraging scenario that can happen when you're trying to make new friends: If this happens several times it can make you worry that there's something wrong with you. You dont have much negative to say about them. For most, this is not a lost to mean they are living terrible lives, breaking laws and not contributing to society, but lost in that their priorities in life are very obviously off, and they are very much in need of a presence in their life to model a different way of being, a presence in their life that can encourage and help guide them to a more righteous way of living. Though, it is a different type of chase. It is more always making sure it is clear that youre there for them, that youre thinking of them, etc. But whether its covid or some other type of mini-collapse, the circumstances have only brought out the worst in these people. I see her and she berates herself to me but nothing changes. Ahhh .she wanted something from me, that's why I heard from her. No thanks. Your friend cares only about oneself, your priorities don't exist any more. Im in a lot of pain about the situation of people not initiating face to face meetings. But, the world isnt perfect and people arent perfect either. "Having someone 'like' you back feels good. I was told no and they worry when I do. Conversing is an exchange of ideas and information that can be helpful. You cant just assign tasks to people, they need to be involved in coming up with the tasks. Manipulative people: 6 things they do (and how to handle them) It gave me comfort as I, too, discovered where I stood in my life the year after I had a major psychological breakdown. They reach out more often. It is eye opening to the many red flags of narcissism. My problem is that Im also experiencing acute fear of being alone. It's that sometimes day to day living can quickly make a weekend conversation seem like a distant memory. I think at some point life will force her to stop hiding behind the ADHD excuse. 9 things you can apply right away to overcome this. Learning how to let go Thank you, helpful, well written. I could be lying on the floor dead for 2 weeks and she would not contact me to find out why I havent been in touch with her she would just be glad she doesnt have to talk to me (ok, maybe she wouldnt be glad, but she certainly wouldnt stop to think about how long its been since shes heard from me until it gets to like, 3-4 months. Not only do they undermine people right in front of them, but they also have a tendency to make you feel bad about your emotions. just consider theyve done you a favor. "Or that somehow, though the two of you have [made a connection online], you will discover something about them [in person] and will no longer be interested." I want to go back to where i used to live which would be far from anyone i know. Anything other than a yes is a no, 99% of the time. You can follow any responses to this entry through the RSS 2.0 feed. I just keep holding on, sometimes you have to let go though! It gave me new perspective on unmet expectations from Christians who I wished would have reached out to me out during a time of healing. Im not proud of my no-follow-through strategy. But as far as someone who appreciates me who has any type of affection for me no no one calls no one texts no one comes by I have no communication with anyone unless I initiate it. It is truly heartbreaking sometimes to see those who would so quickly disappear from our lives if we stopped non-stop initiating. Once their schedule clears they may remember you, but decide it's been too long to pick up where they left off. When they were chatting to you in an outgoing frame of mind they may have been genuinely interested in hanging out more. This results in an extreme lack of awareness about how their behaviors frustrate those who want to follow but just end up spinning in circles. "This will give them time to back out in advance if they want, so you aren't left sitting and waiting on someone who won't show," Jackson says. I wish I was you. A recurring weekly meet up lets everyone get to know each other at a more gradual, comfortable pace, and not commit to spending time together outside of it until they're fairly sure they gel. If your friend doesn't respect your feelings, it's an unhealthy relationship. That's extra true if you talk to people in high volume, mingling-focused situations like social meet ups. For example, if you met them at a well-attended movie night at a friend's house, invite them to a similar event. Yes, in a friendship both people should be reaching out, making plans, staying connected. You can leave a response, or trackback from your own site. You can be the ideal best friend, be loved dearly by the other person, meet up with the other person if plans are made, but your friend could still go silent if you dont initiate. all in one day. The majority of my friends that I would place in the category of unresponsive friends are also my lost friends. Never told me or asked me to feed her cats .I find her to be incredibly selfish . My therapist told me that they wouldnt meet me if they didnt want to. 4) They play on your emotions. Ive cut contact with so many people and its the best thing I ever did! I guess if there was a real misunderstanding, they would ask at some point, but its just like a dead end. Thank you for sharing the very rational advise. This really hit home for me . The communication was shallow as well. Ah well, I guess it's not going to go anywhere.". (My thanks to Mike Michalowicz The Toilet Paper Entrepreneur for that one.). How to Resolve 4 Reasons People Don't Follow Through for You Now most so called experts will tell you that its because of FEAR or Self Sabotage and that sort of thing. Thanks for a great read and an even better lesson! To be fair, many are also not. There is simply no excuse for someone to be consistently unresponsive to their friends. Give the Right Kind of Positive Reinforcement. Never pays for anything , brings anything when she comes for dinner , never offers to help , just sits around and waits for me to wait on her . Just wanting to share this as I hope it can be helpful to someone. Some people don't need as much social time as others. No follow up results in no follow through. Thanks to Brendon Burchard for this quote, People support what they create. One more gem added to my treasure ! By clicking Accept All Cookies, you agree to the storing of cookies on your device to enhance site navigation, analyze site usage, and assist in our marketing efforts. Set expectations Not just for the task, but what you expect will come from this short and long term. But now my friend first respond with all kind of interesting questions and when I answer them, she completely ignores it. Once the day of your date arrives, the mere thought of taking your conversation beyond the safety of the screen can be daunting. And our friends should always make time for us. And it has a lot to with the anonymity of it all, and how easy it is to just disappear. Some of them, without you consistently initiating communication, may drift away and out of your life. Going through that now. Now it's time to change the situation. Some of these people will eventually re-prioritize their live, they may develop better communication skills and start to value people and relationships more and begin to initiate communication with you. As obvious as it sounds, when your partner follows through, give positive reinforcement, but also realize that "positive reinforcement" has many definitions. Ending it. And in the meantime, you can help increase the chances of the date actually happening. "So they may cancel or ghost to reduce these feelings.". A few do indeed seem to come from train wreck (to varying degrees) upbringings. In my case, many of the friends and family members who do this stuff (IE never or very very seldomly initiate contact with me) are self described Christians of the pentecostal variety. I think we can make a major mistake in thinking that a friend not initiating must mean they dont enjoy the friendship or dont wish to be friends. Dear CMR: "What do I do when I have been dating my boyfriend for a long time, and he makes promises, especially about getting engaged, but never follows through? Dan you are great! After that I'll suggest a few things you can do to cut down on the chances of the situation happening. Thanks Niraj. If you text or call them, dont expect to hear back. Anyway, this was helpful in reminding me I am not the only one with such situations and I was super stoked when you confirmed your calling because I was suspecting it as I was reading. This includes my blood family. Get them involved in the creative process. Stop chasing unresponsive friends, they are headed down a different track than you. A good friend is like a four-leaf clover; hard to find and lucky to have.. What will you do differently next time?. Now I dont know what to think about it. She always blames it on her ADHD or that shes going through a hard time. Once you get someone started, its much easier to direct them. What To Say When He Doesn't Follow Through - 9 Relationship Experts They've got a socially anxious, insecure side. I am the first to reach out. What to Do When Friends Exclude You, 5 Ways to Let Someone Know You Are Thankful for Them, What to Do When You Say Something Hurtful That You Can't Take Back, How to Deal With a Friend Who Has Cheated, How to Survive a Lesbian Relationship Break-Up. Learn how to handle this type of friend. Thanks Melrose. In hindsight, its not a righteous thing to do to experiment with friendships in such a way). If they're super busy, and if you're only casually talking, the plans you made to meet up for coffee a week in the future may not stick in their mind. They may go days or weeks without returning your text or phone call. You make plans, but at the last minute everything is canceled. How To Confront Those Who Don't Honor Their Commitments Whats the true value of coaching andconsulting? (LogOut/ For two weeks, I stopped initiating any communication with any of my friends. Often she never brought it up again. They are usually the ones having to make the plans and initiate. The problem I have is that I always wondering if it might be a misunderstanding or if they truly are ghosting? I sense that there is a deep spiritual lesson about expectations. They like your company, but not quite enough that they want to be proper friends. They either never get in touch, or you exchange a handful of messages with them before contact fizzles out. I am the one (most) concerned with the status of and development of the friendship. Or did you just ghost her. It is an investment of time and care. I am actually writing a follow-up to it tonight. Broken promises, even small ones, cause problems. I dont hate this person but I kind of want us to either really talk or forget about it. Id also like to add that I live alone Ive never been married and I have no children so its not like my mom thinks oh well her spouse lives there with her or her kids are in touch with her on a daily basis. No empathy at all for your friends needs. Some people might like thanks and praise. I'm Chris Macleod. The truth of the matter is, many people use "dating apps as more of a novelty, or to explore or get a self-esteem boost," Emily Pfannenstiel, LPC, a licensed professional counselor who specializes in relationships, tells Bustle. but they seem so fickle its exhausting. If a guy makes plans but doesn't follow through, that's hopeless. I am a dominate leader and personality. It's not like you approached them out of nowhere asking for their number, and they gave it to you to make you go away. However the bulk of the people that I had been consistently initiating communication with, not only did I not hear from them but almost all did not notice I was not present nor communicating during that time. Aside from shedding some light on their behavior, it may also clarify some of your own motivations if you've been the one not to follow up with someone. But its a comfort knowing Im not the only one. Saying "I'm soooo busy these days" is sometimes an excuse, but people can actually have a hectic few weeks that make them forget about that one guy they spoke to at the party who they've been meaning to email. Thats selfish and cowardly. Soits just me personally. Many people worry that they won't be found attractive, for example, or at least not as attractive as they made themselves out to be in their profile. Oh this is a good one! You're not going to hit it off with everyone you meet. Its run its course, please never call me again. ? Thanks. You can say something like: Then, you can still proceed with your plans without worrying about whether or not shes going to come. When your friend complains that you broke your promise, then remind about another promise, that he or she broke. No one is in touch with me on a daily basis. You hoard knowledge and keep others in the dark. My friend regularly doesnt bother to respond to my texts. You told her to leave you alone. It all comes down to not really being interested in the friendship, I would quite happily text my friend and be there in my times if need, but she isnt a best friend or someone I could devote my time too, maybe thats a conversation that needs to be had? Children understand it very fast, unfortunately, with adults it may take a bit longer. What should you do with unresponsive friends? We have all types of advancements that free up our time, making the tasks of daily living take far less time than at any point in history. 4)Your friend doesn't keep his/her promises. Manipulative people are cunning and sly and can work a situation or a work with a sense of confidence that makes you feel icky. The point is, it doesn't matter what he says or why he's flaky, only what he does to be sure he can see you. Sick of being the imitator and the chaser of everything! Dan, this is a keeper! I learned to wait for her to ask a second time. The first thing is that you wouldn't mind doing something by yourself only, when your friend, as usual, changes his or her mind and cancels everything. I realise I cant avoid them.. but I can recognise them and learn to protect myself from the harm they do. I'm trained as a counselor. Following the leaders shouldnt be a puzzle; it should be a path. Check the commitment. I will share the link when I do. Wouldnt reply to you. #4. I find that group of people in my life expanding. Youre part of the problem. "Some people don't feel as much of a connection to people online," Jackson says, since all they have to go off of is a profile photo and a few messages. From what I can gather she also appears to leave an unreasonable amount of people-interaction destruction in the wake behind her. It is a selfish, extremely selfish, way of living. Before that she was fine, and she still sticks around her other friends. Some people seem especially prone to getting swept up in the moment, only to change their minds later. Setting up plans takes a bit of effort. Im struggling to accept that i although i enjoy my time with my elders i would love to hang around people closer to my age. I thought when i lived far 10 hrs from the nearest family member, i longed for their closeness. Or maybe they're worriers. The next time you're set to go out, be clear about what time you're leaving and let her know you will not wait for her. You always have the option of moving ahead with plans and not inviting this type of friend. "As you get actual face-to-face time through dates, then you can raise your expectations.". individuals Doing for others and being with others takes our mind off of our problems and ourselves; allows us to give and to get from others. Here's also the way how you can make your friend learn a good lesson on keeping promises. And this is even more likely to happen if they built themselves up online, and are afraid of letting you down. I am single and working half time job so I have the free time. It can also leave you feeling frustrated at how flaky everyone is, and reduce your motivation to keep trying to build a social life. A person with ten priorities follows through on the urgent, not the important. Im sure that happens for some people, but it seems thats rarer than wed like to think. If someone doesnt respond that means they arent interested. I excused myself because I didnt want to waste my time doing things that didnt matter. I'm currently working with clients who live in Ontario, Canada: Copyright 2006-2023 SucceedSocially.com. Maybe you can hang this blog in the lunch room. It's nice to hear what we want to hear from our partner, but it has to be backed up with the corresponding behavior. The day after one thinks about the other, "They were fun to banter with, but I don't know how much we actually have in common. They may start to be present in your life. What Im trying to figure out is what to do when one of the bad communicators suddenly communicates. NOT ONE! Make sure you set clear goals and objectives for each task you take on. My theory is that as our world becomes more busy and self-centered, and as the superficiality of surface-type communications via social media take on more of a role, this lack of etiquette has worsened. You're not going to go on to hang out with everyone you have a pleasant conversation with. These are in no particular order, not ranked by most-likely to least-likely. Side Note Tangent: People who proclaim they are too busy, are almost always not busy at all (though they may have irrationally convinced themselves they are), but instead, they are undisciplined, lacking in time management skills, and have priorities that revolve entirely around themselves.. Thanks. For others, they were never planning on creating a serious relationship, and thus weren't taking the date seriously. If you have something to share or communicate, dont go out of your way not, but make a decision that this is a friend you wont be chasing, a friend you wont be going out of your way to keep trying to initiate communication with. That said, some will be worth never letting go of, and even knowing the frustration and seemingly one-sided friendship at times, theres a few in our lives, that we love, that love us in their own perhaps limited way, that we should keep initiating. same thing has happened to a lot of people. If you need to, make a list of other things going on this week and rank where this task lands on that list. How to Deal With a Friend Who Doesn't Keep Promises Not overly sad I know most people really are selfish and Ive learned to live with it. Its mainly your tude that gets me. My fear in writing this popular blog post is that people use it as an excuse to push away those they love. I have 1 particular friend that can take over 10/12 hours to respond to messages this is despite seeing that they are on-line and it becomes clear thar they are actively ignoring me and talking to others who they value more despite many years of friendship.